DISAPPOINTMENT

After Steve and I had been married about 5 or 6 years, my biological clock really began ticking and LOUDLY. After all, I had worked with young children for so many years and I really loved them, but something was missing. I always felt that God had called me to be a wife and mother. When I was young, people often asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I don't remember ever wanting to be anything except that - a wife and mother.

I do remember once in high school I was trying to decide what I wanted to do after graduation and I thought that maybe I would be a pharmacist like my dad, but there was way to much math and chemistry involved and I was never good at either of those.

I truly believe that God has given all women that nuturing instinct even if they can't or don't have children. I know that I had it and I often wondered if I ever would have children of my own. Remember, I was already 31 when I married for the first time. That is pretty late in life these days. Although, I am meeting more and more women who are having babies in their 30's more than ever before, and some in their 40's also.

In 1990, I discovered that I was expecting. I was elated!!! Steve seemed pretty excited as well. I found out I was pregnant in May. School was about out. We were packing up the house we rented on Lady's Island and moved into an area of town called Mossy Oaks.

School had been out for a week or so. We had pretty much everything unpacked and moved in. I went to church one Sunday and right at the end of the service when we stood up to sing, I felt something strange. I left immediately and went home. I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding. I remember I had that sick feeling that you get when things are not going right. I remember that I called an older lady that I knew from church, Sandy Voegeli, and asked her to pray for me. She told me to sit down and keep my feet up and if I still wasn't feeling well the next day to go to the doctor. That evening, I remember that I started having that "cramping" feeling. I went to the doctor the next day, and they sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound. This was before they had the equipment in the office. I remember laying on that bed and the technician didn't say a word. I kept asking her, but she just wouldn't say anything. Finally, I went back to the office and the doctor told me that the baby had died and that I was miscarrying. I just remember being so sad!!!

I called Sandy back and told her what was going on. Sandy was a real friend that day. I knew that she understood. She had had 13 miscarriages and never carried any babies to term. She did end up being the mother of 5 children, but all adopted.

I was devastated. I had to go the hospital for a D&C which was labeled on my hospital orders as a "theraputic abortion." I felt really strange. I knew that the baby had died and just came apart in my womb, but it bothered me that it was called an abortion. I came home after the procedure and slept for several hours. I don't remember too much. I just didn't want to think about it. I was soooo disappointed.