NEXT CHAPTER

After my extreme case of burn out, we managed to get through the school year. I finished my class and my grant projects, got that book published. (I still have a couple of copies). I am a little fuzzy about some of the details, but one year, I think it was this year (Spring of 1991), that we had Public TV come to the school to film. It was SCETV and they were filming a short documentary on the Early Childhood Program in Beaufort County Schools. My friends, Martha and Kristin and myself were featured during a segment that focused on the screening of preschool children done in the County each Spring called Child Find. We had an exemplary team at the time. We worked well together and really had a system put in place to identify children with special needs early on so that they could get help as soon as it was available. Many children came through Beaufort Elementary's Child Find program and we were able to do some really good things in preparing these kids for academics later on.

Oftentimes, people were sent in to observe in my classroom or in Kristen's class or in Martha's class. We were often consulted on what to do with children that had special needs and how to teach preschool with at-risk children. I just really felt that I had found my niche in my profession.

At the same time I desparately wanted to have a baby, but for some reason it just wasn't happening. Finally in late July or early August, I found out that I was again pregnant. I was ecstatic and Steve was happy as well. That was a short lived happiness as about the middle or end of September, I went in for a check up and they could not hear the baby's heart beat. After an ultrasound, I was told that the baby did not make it. I was about 6-8 weeks at that time. They showed me the ultrasound picture, and you could not see anything at all. I was again devastated. I waited for another week. I remember that I couldn't sleep at night; I would get up and read my Bible. I read passages like Psalm 34 - I will bless the LORD at all times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth.......I sought the LORD and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. And Psalm 40 - I waited patiently for the LORD; And HE inclined to me and heard my cry.

I did cry out to the LORD to please do a miracle and save this little baby. The doctor was encouraging me to have another D&C, but I hestitated. I went in for another ultrasound to make sure. I was hopeful when the picture came back more clearly and you could actually see something that looked like a baby. I truly thought that God had answered my prayers. I waited another few days and sleepless nights and went back for one more ultrasound, but this one was not as hopeful as the other one had been. I did have to go in for another D&C on October 6. I remember the date, because it was my friend Stephanie's birthday and she cooked a fabulous meal of steak and scallops for me and Steve and brought it to me and I remember eating it in bed. I did not feel as good that time as I did after the first D&C. I remember telling her how thankful I was for her friendship and that she should have made the meal for her and her husband. Which I am sure now that she probably did.

The next few weeks were just a nightmare. I don't remember a whole lot about them, but I do remember that when I wasn't at school teaching, I was home laying in bed or in a chair. I didn't do anything around the house much almost to the point of not eating. Fortunately, since Steve was only working part time, he had extra time to cook and he was a good cook. So he made all kinds of things and I did eat, but if he hadn't cooked I probably wouldn' t have. Sometimes I still tend to do that. If I get to busy, I don't eat or don't eat right which is one reason that I have a weight problem. You actually have to eat regularly to loose weight which I didn't realize until just recently.

I was severely depressed but I didn't realize it. Not until several years later when I was depressed again. I tend to have these mood swings, or I did then, not so much now. I have learned to deal with it and realize that I do have a slight chemical imbalance that gets really out of whack when I tend to focus on situations and not on the LORD God. We have to realize our short comings and admit what they are to the LORD, so that He can help us get our focus back and our priorities straight again. Sometimes we have to do other things like eating right, exercising, or even taking certain medications to combat some of these problems. It was still several years before I realized that I had a pride issue and thought that Christians should not have to rely on outside help to solve depression. It was several years before I actually admitted to God that my pride was in the way of what He wanted to do in my life.

I think that it was during this fall that I just needed some outside help and had never really gone to talk to my Pastor before. He had come to visit us after both of the miscarriages and prayed with us. Our church was still small then. Unfortunately he doesn't have the time to visit as many people as he would like to visit. But I specifically remember that he shared some very practical things to do to help combat depression. I will share those the next time.

PLEASE PRAY FOR US

This is a picture of me and my daughter. Please pray for us when you think about us. I am currently serving as a part-time missionary with Child Evangelism Fellowship. My job is to recruit local Bible believing churches to adopt local public elementary schools to start Good News Clubs. The church recruits the volunteers, I train them to do the After School Good News Club. Right now we have 2 clubs. The second club is just getting started. Please pray that we can get at least 3 more clubs ready to start by Jan 1, 2007. I am also trying to recruit 6-7 more godly men and women who will be committed to serving on a Council or Board in order to establish the ministry of Child Evangelism Fellowship in the Low Country. We currently have 4 people who have volunteered to be on that Board, two men and two women.

Being a missionary is a not as scary as I thought it would be. I always had the idea that a missionary was someone who gave up everything to go to live in a hut in Africa. Some missionaries may be called to do that, but some missionaries can still live at home and do God's work. That is what I am doing. Literally as the local office is in my house at this point in time.

I know that I have been called to be on staff with CEF. How do I know? I can't explain it in words, but is a culmination of three things. It fits in with God's word that we are all called to share His gospel, I counseled with godly friends and had them pray with me about this decision and I have complete peace about this. It is just a knowing that I am right where God wants me to be. It is amazing to realize that for the first time in my life, I truly know that I am in God's will for my life.

EXTREME BURN OUT

After the miscarriage, I tried to go about things as usual. School was going to start soon and I had lots to do to get ready for a new school year. I just poured myself into activities. I remember that I needed some class credits as my teaching certificate was about to expire, so I signed up for a class. It was a lot of work. I also decided to try my hand at grant writing. I was fairly successful with that as I wrote two and received both of them. One was a personal grant for a project of my own. The other was in collaboration with a group of teachers and parents who wanted to see some new programs at the school to help the children succeed better in academics. I was so busy, between the class and the grants and just working everyday.

Shortly after the miscarriage, Steve was laid off from work. I think that he was technically fired, but some how it worked out that he could draw unemployment. Things were really tight financially. He become kind of depressed also, but he would never admit it.

I just kept going and going and going. I remember things kind of came to a head when we realized that Steve's mom was going to have bypass surgery. She did not take very good care of herself. She had diabetes and this was a result of lack of care on her part in eating right and exercising. Well, the day of her surgery, Steve's sister in law called and wanted to know why Steve did not call his mother before the surgery. She said that she told me what day the surgery was, but I don't remember her telling me. I didn't tell Steve, so how could he call her the day before? I remember that I felt terrible and went into the shower and cried and cried and cried for a very long time. I didn't realize how much I cried, until Steve came into the bathroom while I was still in the shower and wanted to know what was wrong. Evidently I had been howling and didn't realize that either. I told him what happened and he was fine with it. One of the few times that he really didn't blame me for something. I got blamed for most everything that went wrong.

That very weekend we drove back to West Virginia to see his mom while she was still in the hospital in ICU. IT was a long drive; we drove all night Friday night, slept for a couple of hours when we got to my parent's house, saw his mom and daughter on Saturday and then drove back to SC on Sunday and I went back to work on Monday. Steve was not working full time then so he could sleep in on Monday.

He did eventually get a part time job but he was only working 3 days a week.

I finally had a "burn out" day and I remember one fall day that I just called in sick. I wasn't really sick, but I wasn't in any shape to teach either. That actually was one good memory that I have with my husband. He knew that I was depressed, so he decided that we needed a change of scenery. It was a Friday so I had given myself a long weekend. We drove to Charleston, went to dinner and then went to the Coastal Carolina Fair. It really was a lot of fun. We walked around and ate one of those Elephant Ears. We looked at photography exhibits and other 4-H exhibits and even took in a couple of side shows. Then we drove home. We didn't talk much but the change of scenery helped anyway.

And then on top of all that, our cat got sick and had to be put down. Steve was more devastated over the cat than the miscarriage. Maybe it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. So many things had been happening and going on that we both just kinda fell apart.

I was still trying to keep my relationship with God viable. But I did not understand why all of these things were happening to us. I read God's Word almost every day, and I know now that is the only thing that kept me going. I had a dear Christian friend named Stephanie Pennington. She called me almost every day and we would talk. She prayed for me and with me and really encouraged me not to give up.

At each time in my life when I have been very depressed and discouraged God has provided a support system for me. There has always been close friends and my church family that have been there to pray for me and with me and to help me get through these really bad times. I am so thankful that God does provide for our emotional needs as well as our physical and spiritual needs.

CONVICTION

Today I read Nehemiah 8:1-12. This is the account of the time that Ezra, the priest, reads the Law to the people. They people all gathered at the Water Gate of the city in the square by the gate. It says that he read from it all morning, “from early morning until midday.” (vs. 3) It also says how attentive the people were to hear the word. They did not complain about the length of the reading or the time of the day. When Ezra stood up to read, all of the people stood as well. They honored God’s Word and showed respect to it. They worshiped the Lord and there was physical evidence of that worship in their behavior. Upon completion of the reading Ezra blessed the Lord. “The people answered ‘Amen! Amen!’ while lifting up their hands. Then they bowed low and worshiped the Lord with their faces to the ground.” (vs. 6) This wasn’t just for show, but it was the attitude of their hearts. When was the last time you truly showed reverence for God and His word that you actually got on your face before Him? I know that I don’t do it at church when everyone would be watching. I might raise my hands, but even then I feel like others will think I am one of “those charismatic weirdoes.”

It was then that the priests (the Levites vs. 9) began to give the explanation. They didn’t just read and go home, but it was explained in an expository manner, I would presume from the scripture. Verse 8 says “They read from the book, from the law of God, translating to give the sense so that they understood the reading.” Think about this, they had just been standing all morning hearing the Word read from early morning until midday AND, THEN, they began to have the Word explained.

But the reaction of the people was what struck me about this passage. Verse 9 says that Nehemiah, the governor, told them not to “mourn or weep, For all the people were weeping when they heard the words of the law.” When was the last time I actually wept when I heard the Word of God read and explained? When was the last time that I was so convicted by the scripture that I did something about it? When have I mourned and wept because of my own sin?

We all complain because our church services last so long. We want to get home and get on with the day. I don’t understand people who get up and dress up just for a church service that lasts for only an hour; and if you add a traditional Sunday school to that, only another hour. We complain about the length of time that our pastor spends in preaching/teaching God’s Word. We don’t think about the last part of that sentence. It is GOD’S WORD!! It is the most powerful weapon that we can use against the Enemy! We have the opportunity to hear and be taught and learn the Word of God each and every Sunday and for what?? We leave the church building with apathetic hearts. We have heard, but we haven’t listened. The ‘eyes of our hearts’ have not been opened to what the Lord would want to have us hear that day.

If we haven’t heard from God, then how will we go out into the World to fight the battles we face daily? How will we know God’s will for our lives? How will we share the gospel with those we come into contact with on a daily basis? Are we even completely prepared to share the gospel from day to day? Do we have a sense of urgency to share the gospel with the lost people that we know? I have to admit that I have to answer in the negative regarding most of these questions. Because I am in ministry, I have been prepared to share the gospel from a “technical” point of view, but instead of being ready anytime, anywhere, I look for the most opportune times, such as at Good News Club or right after church. I don’t use those day to day encounters with people that I run into at the grocery, or cleaners, or bank, to share my faith. It has to be just the right setting so that I will be “comfortable” enough to share my faith.

It all goes back to “me.” Am I “comfortable” enough to share my faith? Regardless that there is a lost and dying world just outside my door, I have to be in the right place at the right time to feel like I need to share. I know that building relationships with people is important, too, but sometimes I wait too long to build those relationships because I am waiting for the right opportunity.

And then there is the fear of rejection. Most of my relatives are not very open when it comes to discussing spiritual things. They have always thought I have been off the “deep end” for many years, ever since college. Religion should just be a superficial thing we do on Sunday and then ignore it for the rest of the week. I have tried to explain to some of them that it is not a religion, but a relationship with a real person, the Living God. But they just don’t seem to understand. That grieves me. I want them to know the God that I know; the True and Living God who has provided for me day after day for more years than I can count. But I am afraid of being put down and rejected by them after I talk to them.

Lord, give me courage to speak about my faith, whenever and wherever, especially with my family. Give me a heart that weeps with conviction when I hear God’s Word read. Show me my sin and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. In your Name, I pray. Amen!