EXTREME BURN OUT

After the miscarriage, I tried to go about things as usual. School was going to start soon and I had lots to do to get ready for a new school year. I just poured myself into activities. I remember that I needed some class credits as my teaching certificate was about to expire, so I signed up for a class. It was a lot of work. I also decided to try my hand at grant writing. I was fairly successful with that as I wrote two and received both of them. One was a personal grant for a project of my own. The other was in collaboration with a group of teachers and parents who wanted to see some new programs at the school to help the children succeed better in academics. I was so busy, between the class and the grants and just working everyday.

Shortly after the miscarriage, Steve was laid off from work. I think that he was technically fired, but some how it worked out that he could draw unemployment. Things were really tight financially. He become kind of depressed also, but he would never admit it.

I just kept going and going and going. I remember things kind of came to a head when we realized that Steve's mom was going to have bypass surgery. She did not take very good care of herself. She had diabetes and this was a result of lack of care on her part in eating right and exercising. Well, the day of her surgery, Steve's sister in law called and wanted to know why Steve did not call his mother before the surgery. She said that she told me what day the surgery was, but I don't remember her telling me. I didn't tell Steve, so how could he call her the day before? I remember that I felt terrible and went into the shower and cried and cried and cried for a very long time. I didn't realize how much I cried, until Steve came into the bathroom while I was still in the shower and wanted to know what was wrong. Evidently I had been howling and didn't realize that either. I told him what happened and he was fine with it. One of the few times that he really didn't blame me for something. I got blamed for most everything that went wrong.

That very weekend we drove back to West Virginia to see his mom while she was still in the hospital in ICU. IT was a long drive; we drove all night Friday night, slept for a couple of hours when we got to my parent's house, saw his mom and daughter on Saturday and then drove back to SC on Sunday and I went back to work on Monday. Steve was not working full time then so he could sleep in on Monday.

He did eventually get a part time job but he was only working 3 days a week.

I finally had a "burn out" day and I remember one fall day that I just called in sick. I wasn't really sick, but I wasn't in any shape to teach either. That actually was one good memory that I have with my husband. He knew that I was depressed, so he decided that we needed a change of scenery. It was a Friday so I had given myself a long weekend. We drove to Charleston, went to dinner and then went to the Coastal Carolina Fair. It really was a lot of fun. We walked around and ate one of those Elephant Ears. We looked at photography exhibits and other 4-H exhibits and even took in a couple of side shows. Then we drove home. We didn't talk much but the change of scenery helped anyway.

And then on top of all that, our cat got sick and had to be put down. Steve was more devastated over the cat than the miscarriage. Maybe it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. So many things had been happening and going on that we both just kinda fell apart.

I was still trying to keep my relationship with God viable. But I did not understand why all of these things were happening to us. I read God's Word almost every day, and I know now that is the only thing that kept me going. I had a dear Christian friend named Stephanie Pennington. She called me almost every day and we would talk. She prayed for me and with me and really encouraged me not to give up.

At each time in my life when I have been very depressed and discouraged God has provided a support system for me. There has always been close friends and my church family that have been there to pray for me and with me and to help me get through these really bad times. I am so thankful that God does provide for our emotional needs as well as our physical and spiritual needs.