NEXT CHAPTER

After my extreme case of burn out, we managed to get through the school year. I finished my class and my grant projects, got that book published. (I still have a couple of copies). I am a little fuzzy about some of the details, but one year, I think it was this year (Spring of 1991), that we had Public TV come to the school to film. It was SCETV and they were filming a short documentary on the Early Childhood Program in Beaufort County Schools. My friends, Martha and Kristin and myself were featured during a segment that focused on the screening of preschool children done in the County each Spring called Child Find. We had an exemplary team at the time. We worked well together and really had a system put in place to identify children with special needs early on so that they could get help as soon as it was available. Many children came through Beaufort Elementary's Child Find program and we were able to do some really good things in preparing these kids for academics later on.

Oftentimes, people were sent in to observe in my classroom or in Kristen's class or in Martha's class. We were often consulted on what to do with children that had special needs and how to teach preschool with at-risk children. I just really felt that I had found my niche in my profession.

At the same time I desparately wanted to have a baby, but for some reason it just wasn't happening. Finally in late July or early August, I found out that I was again pregnant. I was ecstatic and Steve was happy as well. That was a short lived happiness as about the middle or end of September, I went in for a check up and they could not hear the baby's heart beat. After an ultrasound, I was told that the baby did not make it. I was about 6-8 weeks at that time. They showed me the ultrasound picture, and you could not see anything at all. I was again devastated. I waited for another week. I remember that I couldn't sleep at night; I would get up and read my Bible. I read passages like Psalm 34 - I will bless the LORD at all times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth.......I sought the LORD and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. And Psalm 40 - I waited patiently for the LORD; And HE inclined to me and heard my cry.

I did cry out to the LORD to please do a miracle and save this little baby. The doctor was encouraging me to have another D&C, but I hestitated. I went in for another ultrasound to make sure. I was hopeful when the picture came back more clearly and you could actually see something that looked like a baby. I truly thought that God had answered my prayers. I waited another few days and sleepless nights and went back for one more ultrasound, but this one was not as hopeful as the other one had been. I did have to go in for another D&C on October 6. I remember the date, because it was my friend Stephanie's birthday and she cooked a fabulous meal of steak and scallops for me and Steve and brought it to me and I remember eating it in bed. I did not feel as good that time as I did after the first D&C. I remember telling her how thankful I was for her friendship and that she should have made the meal for her and her husband. Which I am sure now that she probably did.

The next few weeks were just a nightmare. I don't remember a whole lot about them, but I do remember that when I wasn't at school teaching, I was home laying in bed or in a chair. I didn't do anything around the house much almost to the point of not eating. Fortunately, since Steve was only working part time, he had extra time to cook and he was a good cook. So he made all kinds of things and I did eat, but if he hadn't cooked I probably wouldn' t have. Sometimes I still tend to do that. If I get to busy, I don't eat or don't eat right which is one reason that I have a weight problem. You actually have to eat regularly to loose weight which I didn't realize until just recently.

I was severely depressed but I didn't realize it. Not until several years later when I was depressed again. I tend to have these mood swings, or I did then, not so much now. I have learned to deal with it and realize that I do have a slight chemical imbalance that gets really out of whack when I tend to focus on situations and not on the LORD God. We have to realize our short comings and admit what they are to the LORD, so that He can help us get our focus back and our priorities straight again. Sometimes we have to do other things like eating right, exercising, or even taking certain medications to combat some of these problems. It was still several years before I realized that I had a pride issue and thought that Christians should not have to rely on outside help to solve depression. It was several years before I actually admitted to God that my pride was in the way of what He wanted to do in my life.

I think that it was during this fall that I just needed some outside help and had never really gone to talk to my Pastor before. He had come to visit us after both of the miscarriages and prayed with us. Our church was still small then. Unfortunately he doesn't have the time to visit as many people as he would like to visit. But I specifically remember that he shared some very practical things to do to help combat depression. I will share those the next time.