After that miscarriage in October of 1991, I was really down. I kept doing what I needed to do, I guess, but I don't remember much about it. I remember sleeping a lot especially on Sunday afternoons. I think Sundays are great days to take a nap. I still try to do that when I can.
We did go out some. Mostly it was to another couple's house that we were good friends with at the time. I taught with Debbie and Steve and her husband Carey got along really well. They both liked to hunt, fish, shrimp, anything that had to do with the outdoors. One Sunday evening early in December, we all went to Savannah to a country western music concert. There was a lot of drinking at the concert - mostly beer - but a lot of it was being guzzled! I remember that there was 6 of us. Three couples and all of them had been drinking except me. Even the driver. I was so nervous going home. I think that I tried to get them to let me drive, but no one would. I was so glad to get home.
I don't remember much, but I do remember that Steve was in a very good mood. He was rarely in a good mood. He was a very quiet and moody kind of person, almost had a melancholy type of personality. He rarely admitted being wrong in anything; in fact I don't ever remember him ever saying that he was wrong about anything. He never apologized or said that he was sorry for anything that he ever did or said. I believe that confession is good for the soul. I helps to cleanse and to clear the air between the two parties. I always asked for forgiveness and said that I was sorry for our quarrels and differences, especially if it was my fault. Even though an argument might not have been my fault, I was always sorry for the unkind words that were said and for the way that I acted. Steve, on the other hand, never really verbalized his feelings and had lots of pent up emotions. He would bottle them up and then one day let them all loose. He was really scary when he got angry. I never worried whether or not he would hit me or anything like that, but he would become quite verbally abusive and call me unkind names and so forth. He would also bring up the fact that "you know what you did," and I usually had no clue what made him mad this time. Then finally he would just ignore me. This might last for days. I couldn't stand it being ignored, but I learned to live with it. It did no good to cry or complain or carry on either, it would only make the silence worse and longer. I did cry a lot, but only to myself. I cried myself to sleep many nights over the years of our marriage. This is why it is so important for Christian young people to take Paul's admonition seriously: "Do not be bound (unequally yoked) together with unbelievers;for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?" It is so important that you not even date persons that are unbelievers. I sometimes wish that I had been more obedient to God and not followed my heart. But I also now that God works all things out for our good. If I had not married Steve, then I would not have the beautiful daughter that I do have today. And she truly has been a blessing to me.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
DEALING WITH DEPRESSION
In one of my earlier posts I talked about some things to do to deal with depression. These came straight from one of my earliest visits with my pastor, Carl Broggi. I had had a miscarriage earlier that year and after school had started I plunged myself into work and had some major burn out. Between the hormone changes in my body and other things going on externally with work and with my marriage, I was not emotionally stable. I had never felt so bad in my life. Pastor Carl shared some very practical things that one can do to help cope with depression. I want to share these with all of you that might read this blog:
- Personal thought time or quiet time. At least 10 -15 minutes every day, pray.
- When you pray, express your feelings specifically.
- Write out specific requests in light of your feelings and keep these in a journal or notebook. Hebrews 4:16 "Let us therefore draw near with confidence ot the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
2. One day at a time. Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
- Take 5 minutes to make a written schedule for the day - hour by hour.
3. Personal exercise - at least 10 minutes.
4. Support partner for accountability.
I can say that I do most of these things. I don't do the written schedule, but I am thinking about implementing that one starting tomorrow. Sometimes the things take longer. My quiet time ends up about 30 - 45 minutes as I usually read the Bible and make some notes on what I read and then pray in light of what I read AND what I am feeling. I also do some other Bible study like The Grace Awakening by Chuck Swindol for my Sunday School Class.
Caroline and I joined Curves last year and that is a 30 minute workout so that also takes longer, plus we have to drive to get there.
I am making it a point to cut back on my caffeine and carb intake especially bad carbs (I know I shouldn't have eaten those M&Ms a while ago and I should have stopped with one bag!)
I am trying to go to bed earlier and get rest, but I still need to work on the rest issue, since I don't sleep well and haven't for a long time.
I have several ladies that are my accountability partners. One especially right now, as I had a melt down at her house last week. She is calling me each morning to make sure that I am getting up on time and not just being lazy and sleeping in every day. After she calls, I have to call her back in about 15 minutes to let her know that I am up and moving.
I did start feeling better once I started excercising again on a regular basis. Get out there and get moving and you will begin to feel better, too.
CHRISTMAS
We finally took down our tree just today and put all the Christmas decorations away. I know that it has been a month since Christmas, but I just hate putting the decorations away. Christmas still makes me sad even after all of these years. We rush around shopping and doing all kinds of stuff and don't really take the time to enjoy the season and to remember the real meaning of Christmas. We eat too much and especially too much sugar and junk food and don't exercise. Then I get real depressed and can't figure out what is wrong. I don't do everything that I know I need to do to feel good. I don't get enough sleep, eat too much, eat too many carbs, drink too much caffeine, don't exercise, don't spend time in God's Word every day as I know I should, watch too much TV ( at my sister's; I still don't have TV here). All of this is a recipe for depression.
Christmas day comes and then the flurry of opening presents, eating , opening more presents, and eating again. Then we are exhausted, but finally Christmas is over. We hardly move for a day or two which doesn't help how I am feeling. The more I sleep and sit around the worse I begin to feel. Then we went to see my aunts. They are 84 and 86. They have a multitude of health problems and don't get around too much. They really need more help than they have and don't really have anybody except the lady they pay that comes in three afternoons a week to help them. By the time I left there, I was really depressed. Now what do we do about depression????
Christmas day comes and then the flurry of opening presents, eating , opening more presents, and eating again. Then we are exhausted, but finally Christmas is over. We hardly move for a day or two which doesn't help how I am feeling. The more I sleep and sit around the worse I begin to feel. Then we went to see my aunts. They are 84 and 86. They have a multitude of health problems and don't get around too much. They really need more help than they have and don't really have anybody except the lady they pay that comes in three afternoons a week to help them. By the time I left there, I was really depressed. Now what do we do about depression????
WE ARE MARSHALL
It has really been a long time since I have blogged. I have been so busy. First with Christmas holidays and now back into the daily routine.
We left for the holidays on the Thursday before Christmas. We had no mishaps on the road as we did at Thanksgiving, thank God!!! We made good time and arrived safely at my sister and brother-in-law's house. They have a beautiful log cabin in the woods of Virginia. If it had snowed it would have been ideal. We went out to dinner and a movie on the Friday before Christmas as this is one of our traditions with our family. We were all excited because we all wanted to see We Are Marshall. It really brought back memories of my freshman year in college when the football team was killed in the plane crash. My sister and I cried most of the way through the movie. Seeing all the places that I was so familiar with - the Memorial fountain, the student center, the view from the hill overlooking Huntington - was really kinda eerie seeing it all on the big screen. The years that this movie took place were all the years that I was in college. We went to all of the football games whether, we won or not (mostly not in those years), but now Marshall is doing great in football. I don't keep up a lot with football, but I did when I lived in Huntington. Everybody was a football fan!!
We left for the holidays on the Thursday before Christmas. We had no mishaps on the road as we did at Thanksgiving, thank God!!! We made good time and arrived safely at my sister and brother-in-law's house. They have a beautiful log cabin in the woods of Virginia. If it had snowed it would have been ideal. We went out to dinner and a movie on the Friday before Christmas as this is one of our traditions with our family. We were all excited because we all wanted to see We Are Marshall. It really brought back memories of my freshman year in college when the football team was killed in the plane crash. My sister and I cried most of the way through the movie. Seeing all the places that I was so familiar with - the Memorial fountain, the student center, the view from the hill overlooking Huntington - was really kinda eerie seeing it all on the big screen. The years that this movie took place were all the years that I was in college. We went to all of the football games whether, we won or not (mostly not in those years), but now Marshall is doing great in football. I don't keep up a lot with football, but I did when I lived in Huntington. Everybody was a football fan!!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
THANKSGIVING 2006
I know that it has been awhile since I last posted. Over a month. I have been so busy and have had so many things going on that I have not been able to focus on this project at all. I was gone for two solid weeks at a training for Child Evangelism Fellowship. Then home for two weeks and then we left again for Thanksgiving to go to my sister's in Virginia. It ended up being a wild and crazy weekend that started last Tuesday.
I had decided to go a day early so that I could go visit my elderly aunts who are 83 and 86 years old, I think. I lose track of their ages since they turned 80. They really aren't doing well. They seem a lot more feeble than I remember them. It has been awhile since I visited them. In fact, it may have been last Christmas! We really need to go see them more often, but it is getting harder and harder for me to leave with my work responsibilities.
We got up and left Tuesday last and it was pouring the rain. We didn't leave as soon as we got up, as Caroline had to go to her Math tutor. That is another story. By the time I got all of my chores and errands taken care of we finally got on the road about 12:30 PM. It was pouring or the rain or did I mention that already. It rained and rained and rained infinitum. I thought it would never stop raining. We drove and drove, up through Columbia on the way to Charlotte where we would get I-85 to Greensboro.
It was about 3:30 when I noticed that my windshield wipers were not working very well. They were on high but they were slowing down. I began thinking this is not a good sign, and began praying as well, that I was mistaken.
All of a sudden the windshield wipers stopped completely! You could not even see because the rain was coming down in sheets. It was also getting cold and I realized that we were not dressed warm enough for the change in the weather! Caroline did have on a sweatshirt, but I only had on a turtleneck and a light weight hoodie. I don't usually get cold these days, but I got cold that day! When the windshield wipers stopped, I immediately got off the interstate at the very next exit. Fortunately, there was a convenience store/gas station right there. I pulled in and went into ask about a garage. I was told there was one behind the next convenience store on the other side of the highway. We pulled in to discover that this was a trucker's stop with a garage for repairing 18-wheelers.
I went into the garage and they told me they couldn't help but gave me directions to another garage down the road. I got back into the car and told Caroline that we needed to pray about this situation, not that I hadn't been, but I felt like hearing us pray for protection, comfort, assistance and so on would be more soothing. I did feel more calm after that. I carefully backed out of the place where I was parked and turned the truck around and then, I stopped to get my bearings as this was a huge trucker parking lot and there were no apparent markings on the pavement for spaces, etc, not that I could see them anyway, because of the rain.
I had been looking to my left and then immediately looked up only to see a huge truck about 2 inches in front of us! If I had not stopped at that very instant that I did, that truck would have creamed us! It had not been even 5 minutes since we had prayed for protection. I thank God every time that I think of how close we had come to a tragedy.
The 18-wheeler was gone and we continued back out to the state highway. We were going away from the interstate, because I knew that I could not get on with my wipers not working. I turned on my flashers and drove very slowly about 15-20 miles per hour. There was a line of cars behind us that began passing us. Every time one passed I slowed down more to let them.
We found the garage that we had been told about, but the worker couldn't fix the motor. He checked to see if it was just a fuse, under the hood and in the dashboard, but it wasn't. I left the door open as he told me directions to another garage and by the time I got back into the car the seat was soaked. I was soaked, my hoodie was soaked and I was so cold. I turned the heat up inside the truck and we started slowly down the road again to the third garage.
I was getting worried I have to admit. By this time it was after 4:00 almost 4:30; it was getting dark and the rain had not let up. In fact it was probably raining even harder than it had been. I was worried that we couldn't get the truck fixed and I didn't know where we would be able to stay. We did pass one "roach" motel on the way to the third garage, but I was hoping we wouldn't have to stay there.
On the way to the next garage, the other guy did not tell us that the road came to a turn that you had to go either right or left. The road actually curved around tothe right to the intersection and I was trying to figure out where we might be able to spend the night and looked up and just barely stopped in time before hitting a road sign in the median. It was like it popped out in front of me. There were several cars on my tail again and I have to give God the credit for not allowing what could have been a terrible wreck and a several car pile up.
Anyway we shortly found the garage, right behind the auto supply store. I pulled up, got out and stuck my head in the door. The owner came over and spoke to me in his SC backwoods drawl. If he had been wearing a red jacket and hat, he could have passed for Santa Claus. There were two other men in the garage working on a car. I was a little uneasy, but I felt that since God had protected us this far, HE still would. After they pulled the truck inside the garage and checked it was sure enough the windshield wiper motor. They put the new motor in, and I went up to the auto supply store to pay for it, we were back on the road and it was nly 5:00 PM. It was a miracle that we got all of that done in only an hour since the motor had died. Only by the grace of God.
I was hungry, tired, cold and very whiny by that point. We got back on the interstate at the next exit after the one where we had gotten off. We drove on a for a few more miles. We were still in SC at this point and it was dark and it was still pouring the rain. We stopped at a Cracker Barrel to eat and get warm. There were several motels near by and so we stopped for the night and got a room. We had the dog with us so I had to pay extra for the dog. And the next day it was still raining. My hoodie that was lightweight to start with was still soaked and I had to get the desk clerk to take it to housekeeping to put in the dryer. After I had walked the dog in the rain again and loaded everything up in the truck, it was soaked again and so were my shoes and Caroline's sneakers. We had to go buy new coats and boots. By the time we finished shopping and added in the motel room, and the repairs this little escapade cost me an extra $360.00!!! We still didn't get to my aunts' house very early - it was about 6:30 the next day.
We spent the night with them and because I hadn't seen them for awhile, I hated to rush right out on Thanksgiving day and leave so we lingered over breakfast and watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade on TV which we had not actually seen for a few years. Caroline was glad. We watched most of it. By the time we left it was 1:00 PM. We were late to my sister's for Thanksgiving dinner at 3:00. We didn't make it until 4:00 but they have a family dinner with her inlaws and sister-in-laws and all of their families so there was plenty of food left when we got there and some of them were still eating. I don't think they started right at 3:00 which was to our advantage.
By the time we arrived, I was very thankful, to not be driving anymore, to have a warm house to go into and plenty of food to eat. I know that many people don't have the bare necessities of a warm home, a bed, food to eat and have to deal with the elements on a daily basis. I know that many people have to live like this for long periods of time. I don't know how they survive, not knowing where their next meal is coming from or where they might lay their head that night. I just thank God that we have not had to be homeless. We could have been, but God in His lovingkindness has provided for me and for Caroline time and time again, so that I can keep my house and have food on the table. And I am also thankful that if I did become homeless, I have family that would take me in until I could get back on my feet.
I am ever grateful for His goodness to us.
I had decided to go a day early so that I could go visit my elderly aunts who are 83 and 86 years old, I think. I lose track of their ages since they turned 80. They really aren't doing well. They seem a lot more feeble than I remember them. It has been awhile since I visited them. In fact, it may have been last Christmas! We really need to go see them more often, but it is getting harder and harder for me to leave with my work responsibilities.
We got up and left Tuesday last and it was pouring the rain. We didn't leave as soon as we got up, as Caroline had to go to her Math tutor. That is another story. By the time I got all of my chores and errands taken care of we finally got on the road about 12:30 PM. It was pouring or the rain or did I mention that already. It rained and rained and rained infinitum. I thought it would never stop raining. We drove and drove, up through Columbia on the way to Charlotte where we would get I-85 to Greensboro.
It was about 3:30 when I noticed that my windshield wipers were not working very well. They were on high but they were slowing down. I began thinking this is not a good sign, and began praying as well, that I was mistaken.
All of a sudden the windshield wipers stopped completely! You could not even see because the rain was coming down in sheets. It was also getting cold and I realized that we were not dressed warm enough for the change in the weather! Caroline did have on a sweatshirt, but I only had on a turtleneck and a light weight hoodie. I don't usually get cold these days, but I got cold that day! When the windshield wipers stopped, I immediately got off the interstate at the very next exit. Fortunately, there was a convenience store/gas station right there. I pulled in and went into ask about a garage. I was told there was one behind the next convenience store on the other side of the highway. We pulled in to discover that this was a trucker's stop with a garage for repairing 18-wheelers.
I went into the garage and they told me they couldn't help but gave me directions to another garage down the road. I got back into the car and told Caroline that we needed to pray about this situation, not that I hadn't been, but I felt like hearing us pray for protection, comfort, assistance and so on would be more soothing. I did feel more calm after that. I carefully backed out of the place where I was parked and turned the truck around and then, I stopped to get my bearings as this was a huge trucker parking lot and there were no apparent markings on the pavement for spaces, etc, not that I could see them anyway, because of the rain.
I had been looking to my left and then immediately looked up only to see a huge truck about 2 inches in front of us! If I had not stopped at that very instant that I did, that truck would have creamed us! It had not been even 5 minutes since we had prayed for protection. I thank God every time that I think of how close we had come to a tragedy.
The 18-wheeler was gone and we continued back out to the state highway. We were going away from the interstate, because I knew that I could not get on with my wipers not working. I turned on my flashers and drove very slowly about 15-20 miles per hour. There was a line of cars behind us that began passing us. Every time one passed I slowed down more to let them.
We found the garage that we had been told about, but the worker couldn't fix the motor. He checked to see if it was just a fuse, under the hood and in the dashboard, but it wasn't. I left the door open as he told me directions to another garage and by the time I got back into the car the seat was soaked. I was soaked, my hoodie was soaked and I was so cold. I turned the heat up inside the truck and we started slowly down the road again to the third garage.
I was getting worried I have to admit. By this time it was after 4:00 almost 4:30; it was getting dark and the rain had not let up. In fact it was probably raining even harder than it had been. I was worried that we couldn't get the truck fixed and I didn't know where we would be able to stay. We did pass one "roach" motel on the way to the third garage, but I was hoping we wouldn't have to stay there.
On the way to the next garage, the other guy did not tell us that the road came to a turn that you had to go either right or left. The road actually curved around tothe right to the intersection and I was trying to figure out where we might be able to spend the night and looked up and just barely stopped in time before hitting a road sign in the median. It was like it popped out in front of me. There were several cars on my tail again and I have to give God the credit for not allowing what could have been a terrible wreck and a several car pile up.
Anyway we shortly found the garage, right behind the auto supply store. I pulled up, got out and stuck my head in the door. The owner came over and spoke to me in his SC backwoods drawl. If he had been wearing a red jacket and hat, he could have passed for Santa Claus. There were two other men in the garage working on a car. I was a little uneasy, but I felt that since God had protected us this far, HE still would. After they pulled the truck inside the garage and checked it was sure enough the windshield wiper motor. They put the new motor in, and I went up to the auto supply store to pay for it, we were back on the road and it was nly 5:00 PM. It was a miracle that we got all of that done in only an hour since the motor had died. Only by the grace of God.
I was hungry, tired, cold and very whiny by that point. We got back on the interstate at the next exit after the one where we had gotten off. We drove on a for a few more miles. We were still in SC at this point and it was dark and it was still pouring the rain. We stopped at a Cracker Barrel to eat and get warm. There were several motels near by and so we stopped for the night and got a room. We had the dog with us so I had to pay extra for the dog. And the next day it was still raining. My hoodie that was lightweight to start with was still soaked and I had to get the desk clerk to take it to housekeeping to put in the dryer. After I had walked the dog in the rain again and loaded everything up in the truck, it was soaked again and so were my shoes and Caroline's sneakers. We had to go buy new coats and boots. By the time we finished shopping and added in the motel room, and the repairs this little escapade cost me an extra $360.00!!! We still didn't get to my aunts' house very early - it was about 6:30 the next day.
We spent the night with them and because I hadn't seen them for awhile, I hated to rush right out on Thanksgiving day and leave so we lingered over breakfast and watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade on TV which we had not actually seen for a few years. Caroline was glad. We watched most of it. By the time we left it was 1:00 PM. We were late to my sister's for Thanksgiving dinner at 3:00. We didn't make it until 4:00 but they have a family dinner with her inlaws and sister-in-laws and all of their families so there was plenty of food left when we got there and some of them were still eating. I don't think they started right at 3:00 which was to our advantage.
By the time we arrived, I was very thankful, to not be driving anymore, to have a warm house to go into and plenty of food to eat. I know that many people don't have the bare necessities of a warm home, a bed, food to eat and have to deal with the elements on a daily basis. I know that many people have to live like this for long periods of time. I don't know how they survive, not knowing where their next meal is coming from or where they might lay their head that night. I just thank God that we have not had to be homeless. We could have been, but God in His lovingkindness has provided for me and for Caroline time and time again, so that I can keep my house and have food on the table. And I am also thankful that if I did become homeless, I have family that would take me in until I could get back on my feet.
I am ever grateful for His goodness to us.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
NEXT CHAPTER
After my extreme case of burn out, we managed to get through the school year. I finished my class and my grant projects, got that book published. (I still have a couple of copies). I am a little fuzzy about some of the details, but one year, I think it was this year (Spring of 1991), that we had Public TV come to the school to film. It was SCETV and they were filming a short documentary on the Early Childhood Program in Beaufort County Schools. My friends, Martha and Kristin and myself were featured during a segment that focused on the screening of preschool children done in the County each Spring called Child Find. We had an exemplary team at the time. We worked well together and really had a system put in place to identify children with special needs early on so that they could get help as soon as it was available. Many children came through Beaufort Elementary's Child Find program and we were able to do some really good things in preparing these kids for academics later on.
Oftentimes, people were sent in to observe in my classroom or in Kristen's class or in Martha's class. We were often consulted on what to do with children that had special needs and how to teach preschool with at-risk children. I just really felt that I had found my niche in my profession.
At the same time I desparately wanted to have a baby, but for some reason it just wasn't happening. Finally in late July or early August, I found out that I was again pregnant. I was ecstatic and Steve was happy as well. That was a short lived happiness as about the middle or end of September, I went in for a check up and they could not hear the baby's heart beat. After an ultrasound, I was told that the baby did not make it. I was about 6-8 weeks at that time. They showed me the ultrasound picture, and you could not see anything at all. I was again devastated. I waited for another week. I remember that I couldn't sleep at night; I would get up and read my Bible. I read passages like Psalm 34 - I will bless the LORD at all times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth.......I sought the LORD and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. And Psalm 40 - I waited patiently for the LORD; And HE inclined to me and heard my cry.
I did cry out to the LORD to please do a miracle and save this little baby. The doctor was encouraging me to have another D&C, but I hestitated. I went in for another ultrasound to make sure. I was hopeful when the picture came back more clearly and you could actually see something that looked like a baby. I truly thought that God had answered my prayers. I waited another few days and sleepless nights and went back for one more ultrasound, but this one was not as hopeful as the other one had been. I did have to go in for another D&C on October 6. I remember the date, because it was my friend Stephanie's birthday and she cooked a fabulous meal of steak and scallops for me and Steve and brought it to me and I remember eating it in bed. I did not feel as good that time as I did after the first D&C. I remember telling her how thankful I was for her friendship and that she should have made the meal for her and her husband. Which I am sure now that she probably did.
The next few weeks were just a nightmare. I don't remember a whole lot about them, but I do remember that when I wasn't at school teaching, I was home laying in bed or in a chair. I didn't do anything around the house much almost to the point of not eating. Fortunately, since Steve was only working part time, he had extra time to cook and he was a good cook. So he made all kinds of things and I did eat, but if he hadn't cooked I probably wouldn' t have. Sometimes I still tend to do that. If I get to busy, I don't eat or don't eat right which is one reason that I have a weight problem. You actually have to eat regularly to loose weight which I didn't realize until just recently.
I was severely depressed but I didn't realize it. Not until several years later when I was depressed again. I tend to have these mood swings, or I did then, not so much now. I have learned to deal with it and realize that I do have a slight chemical imbalance that gets really out of whack when I tend to focus on situations and not on the LORD God. We have to realize our short comings and admit what they are to the LORD, so that He can help us get our focus back and our priorities straight again. Sometimes we have to do other things like eating right, exercising, or even taking certain medications to combat some of these problems. It was still several years before I realized that I had a pride issue and thought that Christians should not have to rely on outside help to solve depression. It was several years before I actually admitted to God that my pride was in the way of what He wanted to do in my life.
I think that it was during this fall that I just needed some outside help and had never really gone to talk to my Pastor before. He had come to visit us after both of the miscarriages and prayed with us. Our church was still small then. Unfortunately he doesn't have the time to visit as many people as he would like to visit. But I specifically remember that he shared some very practical things to do to help combat depression. I will share those the next time.
Oftentimes, people were sent in to observe in my classroom or in Kristen's class or in Martha's class. We were often consulted on what to do with children that had special needs and how to teach preschool with at-risk children. I just really felt that I had found my niche in my profession.
At the same time I desparately wanted to have a baby, but for some reason it just wasn't happening. Finally in late July or early August, I found out that I was again pregnant. I was ecstatic and Steve was happy as well. That was a short lived happiness as about the middle or end of September, I went in for a check up and they could not hear the baby's heart beat. After an ultrasound, I was told that the baby did not make it. I was about 6-8 weeks at that time. They showed me the ultrasound picture, and you could not see anything at all. I was again devastated. I waited for another week. I remember that I couldn't sleep at night; I would get up and read my Bible. I read passages like Psalm 34 - I will bless the LORD at all times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth.......I sought the LORD and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. And Psalm 40 - I waited patiently for the LORD; And HE inclined to me and heard my cry.
I did cry out to the LORD to please do a miracle and save this little baby. The doctor was encouraging me to have another D&C, but I hestitated. I went in for another ultrasound to make sure. I was hopeful when the picture came back more clearly and you could actually see something that looked like a baby. I truly thought that God had answered my prayers. I waited another few days and sleepless nights and went back for one more ultrasound, but this one was not as hopeful as the other one had been. I did have to go in for another D&C on October 6. I remember the date, because it was my friend Stephanie's birthday and she cooked a fabulous meal of steak and scallops for me and Steve and brought it to me and I remember eating it in bed. I did not feel as good that time as I did after the first D&C. I remember telling her how thankful I was for her friendship and that she should have made the meal for her and her husband. Which I am sure now that she probably did.
The next few weeks were just a nightmare. I don't remember a whole lot about them, but I do remember that when I wasn't at school teaching, I was home laying in bed or in a chair. I didn't do anything around the house much almost to the point of not eating. Fortunately, since Steve was only working part time, he had extra time to cook and he was a good cook. So he made all kinds of things and I did eat, but if he hadn't cooked I probably wouldn' t have. Sometimes I still tend to do that. If I get to busy, I don't eat or don't eat right which is one reason that I have a weight problem. You actually have to eat regularly to loose weight which I didn't realize until just recently.
I was severely depressed but I didn't realize it. Not until several years later when I was depressed again. I tend to have these mood swings, or I did then, not so much now. I have learned to deal with it and realize that I do have a slight chemical imbalance that gets really out of whack when I tend to focus on situations and not on the LORD God. We have to realize our short comings and admit what they are to the LORD, so that He can help us get our focus back and our priorities straight again. Sometimes we have to do other things like eating right, exercising, or even taking certain medications to combat some of these problems. It was still several years before I realized that I had a pride issue and thought that Christians should not have to rely on outside help to solve depression. It was several years before I actually admitted to God that my pride was in the way of what He wanted to do in my life.
I think that it was during this fall that I just needed some outside help and had never really gone to talk to my Pastor before. He had come to visit us after both of the miscarriages and prayed with us. Our church was still small then. Unfortunately he doesn't have the time to visit as many people as he would like to visit. But I specifically remember that he shared some very practical things to do to help combat depression. I will share those the next time.
Monday, October 23, 2006
PLEASE PRAY FOR US
This is a picture of me and my daughter. Please pray for us when you think about us. I am currently serving as a part-time missionary with Child Evangelism Fellowship. My job is to recruit local Bible believing churches to adopt local public elementary schools to start Good News Clubs. The church recruits the volunteers, I train them to do the After School Good News Club. Right now we have 2 clubs. The second club is just getting started. Please pray that we can get at least 3 more clubs ready to start by Jan 1, 2007. I am also trying to recruit 6-7 more godly men and women who will be committed to serving on a Council or Board in order to establish the ministry of Child Evangelism Fellowship in the Low Country. We currently have 4 people who have volunteered to be on that Board, two men and two women.
Being a missionary is a not as scary as I thought it would be. I always had the idea that a missionary was someone who gave up everything to go to live in a hut in Africa. Some missionaries may be called to do that, but some missionaries can still live at home and do God's work. That is what I am doing. Literally as the local office is in my house at this point in time.
I know that I have been called to be on staff with CEF. How do I know? I can't explain it in words, but is a culmination of three things. It fits in with God's word that we are all called to share His gospel, I counseled with godly friends and had them pray with me about this decision and I have complete peace about this. It is just a knowing that I am right where God wants me to be. It is amazing to realize that for the first time in my life, I truly know that I am in God's will for my life.
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